Yesterday I had my second home study interview. I get a lot of questions about what the home study entails, so basically it consists of 3 visits to my home to make sure I am who I say I am :-). During the first interview, my caseworker sat with me and discussed various parts of the process and asked if I had any questions from the training. She did a walk through of my home to see the space to gauge where the child will be sleeping and to see if there are any areas that needed to be changed. Thank goodness that I didn’t have a lot of things to change, just moving a bookshelf from the child’s room (apparently kids like to climb). I have a great support system and two of my friends (Shout out to Naomi and Rasheda) came over to help me move the books and shelves down to the basement. This second home study visit was a little more personal. The case worker asked me more about how I was raised and my relationships with my parents. She also asked me about how I think people would describe me… to be honest, that was a hard question for me to answer! LOL! How DO people see me? I dunno? She also asked how I am feeling as the process is getting closer about how my life will be different. This is where I got a little misty eyed.
If you read my first blog, I eluded to the emotional rollercoaster that I have been on throughout this process. This process has made me face a lot of emotions I have been dealing with on the inside for a while. It started last week when I took a trip out to Babies R Us to see what sale items may be available (yeah right!) for me to stock up on. As I went through the aisles of the store, I was first of all very overwhelmed with all of the options for infants/toddlers. I mean, different types of pacifiers, nipples for bottles, etc. I was screaming on the inside “I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT I NEED!!” How can I even begin? LOL! I picked up a few things that another foster parenting blog mentioned and some things that I knew I would need regardless of the age and some toys. BUT as I was going through the aisles and seeing mothers with their child(ren) and pregnant women shopping with their families, I did have a feeling of sadness come over me. Later that day, after I had time to process my feelings… I cried to the Lord for a least 20 minutes. I could not stop crying. I felt so sad that I was going through all of this… buying baby and toddler items… and it was not the way that I pictured my life. I thought I would be buying these items for my own biological children. My cousin helped me put together a crib and I was excited and wanted to take pictures, but then I realized… I didn’t. (see emotions all over the place, LOL)
You couldn’t tell me in my teens, 20’s or even early 30’s that I would not be married and have my own children by now. The reality is… that is not my story and I really grieve for that [story]. I go from excitement, to fear, to sadness, to relief, to stressed, to indifferent…. all in a weeks span. LOL! This process has been wonderful, my trainer and caseworker are both really nice people. I have met and spoke to other foster parents who give great encouragement and support.
My third home study visit is scheduled for next week. By this time, I should have most of the things in place to welcome a child into my home. I will have a final interview and my references will be interviewed. From there my caseworker will put my file together and route it through to her two supervisors. If all goes well, I will then get my license.
As I am traveling on this road to get license I know that this is something that I really want to do. I know it will be hard, anything new is… and parenting is never easy. My goal is to just be there for a child who needs me.