Last night, I received my first call from DSS for a placement. I was at the gym, about to workout and heard my phone ring. I immediately recognized the number as social services… and my heart starting beating… QUICKLY! The social worker introduced herself and let me know she was going down her list to place a 16-year-old in care for one night… possibly two. I thought about it, asked questions, went back and forth in my mind for a few minutes (which seemed like an eternity), but in the end said no (I did not accept the placement).
All through my workout, I just felt so bad. I didn’t expect to have this feeling of sadness because I guess I never really thought about placements that I would not accept. I gave DSS a preferred age range of 0-5 (and maybe accepting 6-8) and was told in training and during my home study that I would get a call for any age from 0-20, but I guess I never took time to understand how I would feel about “rejecting” a placement for personal preferences. I always knew that if I already had a placement, I could not take two… or if I was about to go out-of-town or had house guests, I would have to turn down placements. BUT I never explored how I would feel about just saying no. I was so sad, I felt like I let the child down… I really wanted to help, but something on the inside told me no… not this placement… not this time. It really hurt my heart.
I am grateful for friends and family who encouraged me afterwards (did I mention that I was really bummed), to stay true to myself and listen to my “gut” otherwise named the Holy Spirit. That it is okay to say “no” and stick to my boundary. There were other factors I will not discuss that I learned through my questions… and I just didn’t think I would be able to deal with them properly. I went to bed really early last night… just because, did I mentioned I was bummed… LOL! But woke up to one of the most encouraging text messages from a friend that changed my entire outlook.
So here’s to documenting my first “call.” I’m pretty sure this will not be the last, but now I know that all calls, whether accepted or not, will have some sort of effect on me… in some way.