My little one left me last week. I knew it would happen, but I didn’t know it would happen so quickly. I thought she would at least be with me for two months… that is what I was told when they dropped her off. But as it usually happens in foster care, things can change in an instant. I am learning as I go…
I knew my baby girl had a court date coming up on 8/7/18, I had already been told by her social worker that I did not have to attend. I didn’t think the ruling would be a big deal because NO ONE else did, everyone from her social worker to lawyer made plans like she would be with me for a while. So, on 8/6/18 I took baby to her 6 months visit. I think I was more nervous than she was. This would be my first time seeing a baby get vaccinated in person. I was afraid how the pain would affect her and the after effects of fever or excessive crying. I had to do it and it went off without a hitch. Baby girl cried, but as soon as I picked her up, she nuzzled her head into my neck and quickly stopped. I was so proud of the rock star she was that day! Interestingly enough, my mother suggested we celebrate the baby’s 6 month birthday, her half year. I thought it was kind of funny, but went along with it. My mom’s logic… we didn’t know how long baby would be with us. I am so glad now that we celebrated her!
I can say that baby introduced me to my first diaper blowout on her 6 month celebration day and plenty of spit up (she suffers from re-flux). I also had the pleasure of soaking and scrubbing “poo” out of her clothes from daycare as she blessed them with two “uncontained” diapers (as they call it) during the day. I know moms out there are like “big deal!” well… it was to me! LOL!
Baby girl was starting to grow – rolling over, self sleeping on her side, holding her bottle. It was fun to see her blossom. I introduced her to solid foods… that was probably one of the most funniest things I have ever witnessed! Her little facial expressions when I fed her. She acted like I was killing her with each spoonful! LOL! She came to the point where she would not even open her mouth for me… but she did it for the daycare. So I just gave them all of her food… so I only had to deal with feeding her solids on the weekend. LOL! Even though she is only 6 months, we had such a good time together… I can’t say enough times how good this little baby is. So happy, bright, and loving! She loved my kisses and to snuggle on my face!
I found out she was leaving me on Thursday morning, exactly a month after she arrived. Her social worker called and told me that the judge made the decision for her to go back… during the court date on Tuesday! I was kind of upset, why didn’t anyone call to tell me what decision had been made. On Tuesday evening, I thought that nothing interesting happened in court because I didn’t hear from anyone. My heart sank as the social worker told me the news, but I knew that it would come eventually. I tried to sound upbeat as she told me the details, but I couldn’t really focus. I was kind of upset that everyone knew except me what was going on. The baby’s grandmother told the social worker (on Tuesday) that she would just wait until our regular meeting time on Friday to pick up baby girl. What??!! I mean, I am grateful she wasn’t snatched from me same day, but I would think you would want her back immediately… “no?”. On the day of the exchange a friend called and asked if I wanted her to come with me. I was truly grateful because I didn’t know how I would feel. I was starting to get anxious and I just wanted it to be over with. I didn’t want her to go, but the pain of snuggling her knowing she had to go was very hard. Another friend and her kids met me for lunch and they brought me flowers! That almost made me cry… my emotions were on high all day! I got to meet her mom during the exchange. I handed baby to her… and baby reached back for me until she realized who I gave her to. She started touching her mom’s face and pulling her hair :-). Mom tries to give baby to grandma and grandma tells mom to continue holding her. This happened twice! I was so mad, I wanted to yell… “Give the baby to me!! I’ll hold her and love her and kiss her!! Geesh people!” But I didn’t… lol! Then we walked to the car to exchange her things. Her mom immediately put her in the car. That made me sad. I didn’t know if I would be able to kiss/hug her goodbye. Grandma, said to me that she was overwhelmed with all of the things I was giving her. She noted that the baby did not come with that many items. I told her about the kindness of my village and because they loved me… they loved baby. Grandma was grateful. I finally asked if I could kiss baby goodbye and they let me. The look on her face was so sad, it was like she knew that I was leaving her (I wish I could show you that picture… but too much of her face is seen). And then… it was over!! She was gone.
I already miss her so much! I often wonder if she thinks of me and wonders where I went. I am grateful for the time that we did share together. I did tell her grandmother that she could always call me to babysit. I really hope I get to see her again. I loved that baby, she was the first real human that I had to take care of… not for a day… or a weekend, but all of the time. She taught me a lot about myself and she even pulled me out of my shell a bit. I will miss my bouk-a-lukes (however you spell that…lol)! My house has gone back to normal. Everything has been put away, wiped down, and washed. Although I do not have any outward reminders that there was a baby here… she will forever be in my heart. I sent her with a note and photos of us together. I don’t know if she will ever see them, but I have printed a photo of her to place in my house to remind me to pray for her. A lot of people, some that don’t even know me have said that they are worried for me. Please don’t worry, although I am sad… I knew this day would come. It’s like breaking up a relationship or friendship… it really hurts, but day by day you get back to your old self. How I got through it was just thinking of all of the things I got to do the next week… hello running buddies… hello yoga class. Sad, I know… lol!
Now, as my social worker friend has told me… it’s okay to be sad… but get ready for the next one!