I haven’t written in so long, I don’t even know where to begin. Since I last wrote, we have enjoyed the Christmas and New Year Holidays and the little lady started after school care.
This was my first time ever having a child in my home on Christmas morning. The funny things is, little Miss doesn’t have the same connection to Christmas as most kids. She did not run into my room to wake me up on Christmas morning to open presents… I don’t even think she came into my room to wake me up at all. LOL! I woke up at a normal hour, but she was awake and asked me lots of questions about Santa and his visit the night before. I made breakfast, then let her open up one of her presents and we played a game while we waited for my mom to come over and open gifts. One of the funniest things to my mother and I was the fact that the little one would open a present, get so excited, and then rush to throw the wrapping paper in the trash! I was happy that she was cleaning up… but I wanted her to just enjoy opening all of the presents. After all of the presents were open, I sat around and played Legos with her and then she played with her dolls and the boxes her clothes come in… too funny. It was a great day, very low key… we didn’t leave the house because it was COLD and her dad returned her to me the night before WITHOUT her coat. *sigh* But we watched movies and ate and enjoyed the day together.
The next day we were scheduled to fly to Dallas to be with my family. Yes she did come with me :-). Of course I asked the department and had a special letter notarized by social services that gave me permission to travel with her. BUT before we went to the airport… I had to rush and buy her a coat. I think it was her first time on a plane. I gave up my coveted window seat to allow her to soak in the total experience…. yippee… middle seat for me. I didn’t know you had to download the AA app before take off, so the flight down was loooooong without Wi-Fi. She did good though and she enjoyed the flight. I think she was very confused when we got to Dallas because she was so upset that we had to get into another car that wasn’t mine. I tried to explain that my car was parked in a parking lot far away… but it wasn’t clicking. Funny thing is that when we returned home… she said, “I’m glad we are back in the black car… I did not like the other car.” LOL… who knows! It was great being in Dallas with my family. The little one got spoiled by my aunts and she loved every bit of it. She still says, “I miss Auntie” (one of my aunts) at least once a week. It felt good to see her meld into the family… and see what family can look like.
It’s been kind of interesting seeing the little one process the differences between her and I. She is from El Salvador and of course I am black. She often asks me why my hair is curly or why it can’t be as long as it looks in a picture she sees hanging in my hallway (when it is straightened). I showed her a few days ago, how I can stretch my hair out… and how it actually is long. She looked amazed, but couldn’t understand why it just couldn’t be straight like hers. She is also started to recognize that my skin is a different color from hers. My cousins had a baby, and while I was holding the baby my little one looked at her… then looked at me and said, “her skin is like yours.” She’s recently started to ask me, “who are you?” I ask her what she means, but I know what she means… she just can’t articulate it… she is asking me why I am taking care of her, who am I to her. I want her to talk more about it… and I am not sure if I should answer with “foster care,” but I do tell her that I am taking care of her for a little while. I promise this little one thinks she is going to be with me until she is “big.” She says she is going to drive my car and bring a dog into her room. I do not have any answers for her on if/when she is going home to live… so I don’t really say anything about that. She says to me often, “I want to be your mother!” What I think she is saying is… I want to be your daughter, but she doesn’t know the word daughter (she just learned English this year). She often says, “You are my mother” or “You are the best mother.” She’s called me mommy a few times, it’s all very surreal for me.
After school, the little one would come home around 2:30 each afternoon. It was fine for the short-term (I thought she was a short-term placement), but after court when I realized she would be with me for a little while longer… I decided to put her in after care. This little one does not like change. Almost every day she asks me why she cannot get on her bus and come home. I try to explain that I will not be standing at the bus stop waiting for her in the afternoon and she will have to ride back to school where they will call me to pick her up. I explained that it would not make me happy and that she would be in trouble if that happened. LOL! I had to say this because I was so nervous that she would get on the bus and smuggle her way home. LOL! She has been going to after care for two weeks now. Every day she tantrums and cries and tells me why she hates going there. I suspected that it wasn’t true, but called the center director to make sure that little bit was not acting up, withdrawn, or crying while there. I was told that little miss is happy, giving hugs, saying she has a bff, and laughs and plays with the other children. I knew she was guilt tripping me… but I just had to make sure. It has to be hard not having control or consistency in your life. I do feel for her, but I had to make a decision that was best for both of us. She’s a bubbly little girl with an infections laugh, but some times… every now and then… I can see darkness in her eyes and I wonder what she is thinking. It’s hard because she can’t articulate it… she just gets frustrated and cries or tantrums. I am hoping to get another therapist to work with her soon. She has been with me almost four months and this will be her third therapist… sigh… I feel like we get no traction.
Well, that’s all I have for now. Hopefully you enjoyed reading :-).