Heart Musings

Easter Sunday 2020

My little darling is 8 weeks old today! It has been a pretty great adventure so far. I have learned so much about caring for a newborn baby. Some days things seem to flow really well… and other days just when I think that I have a solid grip on how things are flowing, this little one reminds me that I do not have this parenting thing on “lock.” For only being 8 weeks old, this little one sure is feisty! She makes it known what she does NOT like. It has been nice living in our little bubble absorbing each other since COVID-19 is keeping us quarantined in the house.



This post is delving a bit into my personal feelings regarding this little one. I know that most people could not be a foster parent because of the attachment and loss of control you have once a child enters your home. I have already told myself and some others that I will probably never take a newborn baby straight from the hospital into my home again. Not because I am not enjoying this experience immensely, it’s because of the emotional toll this placement is putting me in during some moments. This baby feels like she is mine (I know she is not). The only thing I didn’t do for her is carry her for her 8.5 months in utero and give birth to her. Since she has gotten out of the hospital, I have been her person. Even though she gives me nothing (I mean nothing… no emotion! LOL!), I can tell that she really feels safe when she is with me. I cherish that. So the looming fact that one day she will have to leave me… it hurts really badly. I do not like thinking about it at all and I do not think I could go through this again. Her case is a bit complicated and because of the virus going around and the semi closure of the court system, most foster care cases have been stalled. So I don’t even have a general idea of how long she will be with me. If I listen to her lawyer and her social worker, it may be a while… but as I have seen all to often in foster care, things change in a blink.

Sleepy girl
Sleepy girl will always find a comfy spot!

So, how am I doing? Today I am doing OKAY. Besides being a little tired from waking up 2-3 times during the night for feeding/changing, I am also a little emotionally tired. With everything going on in the world and the constant news of how many cases of the virus in my state (this morning I heard 15,000+), wondering how in the world I am going to get things that I need in the house (friends and family have been amazing at calling me to ask if I need anything, and Amazon delivery for the win!), just missing going out with out having to worry about wearing my mask and gloves, and just missing my friends! When I have kids a few of my friends come and sit with me to talk and hold/play with babies… and I enjoy the visits. I am a home body and believe you me I am not mad having to be at home for the most part… I think it is the fact that I can’t get what I need sometimes because I am dependent on others (to either bring it to me or come sit with the baby while I run and get something). **Side note, I know folks will think about my last statement and only one family member comes and sits with the baby when I run out. I have to make the decision whether I entertain taking the baby out at all or having someone come and sit… and I chose the latter.** One day I was walking up the stairs in my home and I laughed and thought, “I am suffering from postpartum depression without the “partum. ” I laughed because I thought that it was impossible for me to suffer from this condition since I did not give birth. I kept feeling a little down, so I googled it :-). Came to find out that adoptive/foster parents of infants can suffer from postpartum due to other factors, sleep deprivation, anxiety of bonding, doing a good job or for me, not knowing what is happening. The anxiety is real! This week, I have gotten 3 calls from social services. Every time a worker announces they are a DSS worker when I answer the phone, my heart starts to beat fast. What are they going to tell me? Time for baby to go? You never know. We also may suffer because of the feeling of isolation and general loneliness. I was not far off. I am grateful to my friends/family who have stopped by and spoken to me through my screen door, thought of me and left things on my porch, or just called/text to talk. That helps! I would also like to thank two social media friends who saw my need for various items and magically later the same day or the next morning, clothes, toys, furniture, diapers, appeared on my porch! Thank you so much… I really appreciate YOU!

Tummy time
8 weeks old! Tummy time.

Back to the little one. She is thriving and I am grateful! She went from this little bitty (I call her bit bits) baby to this rolly polly little lady with such a feisty personality. It’s amazing to watch, but I won’t bore you with everything she is doing… because I’m sure a lot of you are parents and know how fast babies develop :-). Like I mentioned above, she is attached to me for sure. Her little eyes follow me around the room (when she lets me put her down) and she cries for me to hold her when someone else is holding her. It is all very interesting. DSS has also called me for 2 sibling placements that I had to turn down. A one and three year old pair and a two and three year old pair. It breaks my heart to turn them down, but I know I can’t handle 3 young children by myself (hats off to any of you who can!).

That’s all I have today. My heart is full each day that I get to care for this little one. Even through the frustration sometimes due to her crying and fussiness (due to underlying trauma) and sleep deprivation I would still choose to do this. My heart is also sad, because I know that one day she will leave, but I try not to focus on that. I know my role, I provide safety for them until their parents can resume their position. Knowing the role doesn’t make it any easier for my heart… any heart… but as foster parents we push through our own feelings to give the love a child needs at that moment and we pray that loved feeling will carry them for a lifetime.

Thanks for reading!

Newborn… New to me!

one monthSo I haven’t written in a while and honestly, let’s face it… I will probably only write when I have something to say. I know you all will appreciate that too :-). After my last adventure with the twins, I felt like I could conquer anything DSS gave me (actually that is a false statement because nothing is picture perfect). So when my social worker called me on a Friday afternoon with a placement of a newborn baby girl I did not hesitate to say yes. Well, actually I did. LOL! When my social worker first called me, I was a little annoyed because it was Friday afternoon. I mean, I don’t know about you… but by Friday afternoon I am looking at the weekend like the finish line and I already had my plans set up for the weekend. A weekend of doing nothing but cleaning my house and relaxing from the aftermath of the twins. BUT when I heard the word “newborn” I immediately changed my tune. The baby was born on Thursday and they needed to place her, but the hospital wanted to release her on Saturday and CPS didn’t want to pick her up until Monday. That was all I heard after I said yes… and that CPS would call me with instructions. Well, that evening I set off in a frenzy purchasing a few things for the new addition. A stroller system, some clothes and diapers, and formula. And then I waited… waited… waited. No call. I started to think that either CPS was able to talk the hospital into keeping the baby until Monday or maybe they found a relative to place her with. So the entire weekend I just kept telling myself and others, I “may” get a newborn baby girl on Monday. Monday morning comes… and I still hear nothing from CPS. I call my worker, but of course there is no answer so I start to again think that this wasn’t going to happen. Around 12:30p CPS calls me and lets me know they are leaving the hospital with the baby and will bring her to my home.

CPS arrives at around 2:00p with the tiniest baby I had ever seen. A four day old baby girl! I was so overwhelmed by having this tiny arrival, but tried to keep it together as the workers relayed the discharge information the hospital gave to them. Then it was off to the races trying to get a doctors appointment for the baby as all kids who come into care have to see a doctor within 48 hours. The first few days were a blur, I was (am still) sleep deprived and still trying to work my full-time job. By Wednesday afternoon, I had made a plan to take off Thursday and Friday to recoup some of my sanity and sleep and sort of get into a rhythm, and I kind of caught up… but boy were things about to change in a major way. One thing I didn’t mention is that when the baby came, her breathing was off. She always sounded like she was congested or like she couldn’t breath. Early Tuesday morning, she was really struggling to breath and I thought of taking her to the emergency room to get checked out, but just thought I could ask her doctor about it when I went to her appointment later on that day. I was really scared. The doctor gave me some saline drops and told me to continue trying to suction her nose. Um, okay… thanks doc. Friday afternoon, one of my bestest college friends came to visit. My mom came over so my friend and I could go out to dinner and I could get some groceries (fun Friday night here folks!). The next morning, my friend allowed me to go to the nail salon and get a much needed mani/pedi while she sat home and watched the baby. Now, let me take a break here so you won’t think I am a horrible hostess and tell you that my friend Tonya didn’t want to DO ANYTHING when she came to visit. She just wanted to relax, sleep in, and get some seafood (when in Maryland… right?). So she was happy to sit around and binge watch shows while I went out and about. Okay, back to the story…. So when I returned from the nail salon, the baby’s breathing did not look right to me.


I called her pediatrician and she told me to take her to Children’s Hospital. So, we went to Children’s and they immediately saw baby girl and started tending to her. After about an hour, the ER doctor told me that they were going to admit the baby to the NICU so they could observe her. We ended up staying in the hospital for 4 days, I slept in the room with her… couldn’t get me to leave that hospital if they paid me.

Hospital bed
My makeshift bed, it was actually pretty comfy!

Shout out to Children’s Hospital in Washington, DC! They are absolutely wonderful in every way. Another shout out to my friend Tanya because I know her visit was completely a God send! She kept me calm and is also a specialist at Children’s in her hometown, so she was definitely an asset to have with me that weekend!


I did get her to a MD crab cake before she left! 
Such a hard day already

About this baby girl. She is an absolute JOY! She has the resting baby face down packed. She gives the best side-eye and her facial expressions seem to match the mood of whatever is going down at the moment. LOL! She has grown so much over the last month. Her color came in, her cheeks have gotten fatter, and she has transitioned from preemie clothes and diapers to newborn! The one thing that still haunts me is bedtime. Home girl will not sleep on her own. She will only lay down for 20 minutes, but only at night. During the day she can sleep without being held and on her own, but at night… it’s another story. She also hates being swaddled. I have read so much about swaddling, the benefits and the calming sleep that it is meant to induce. That is not the case for this little one. Just last night she screamed every time I put her in the swaddle. She cried from 9 pm until 1 am because I was on and off swaddling her. I even tried to swaddle her after she fell asleep. That lasted all of 30 minutes then she was hollering again. I just can’t seem to get it right, which is so frustrating because I watched them swaddle her in the hospital and I actually swaddled her also. My mom thinks it was because she was getting drugs… so she didn’t care what was happening at the moment. LOL! Everyone who meets her loves her. I have needed/had a lot of help with this one (what else is new) and everyone always wants to come back and see her.

Because of COVID-19 a lot of things are different in the system. There are limited court cases being heard, visits by social workers and to sibling/parent groups are being paused. Baby had a hearing last week and nothing really changed in her case. Yesterday… just YESTERDAY after a month on her being with me was baby girl assigned a social worker, so now I can kind of get a better handle on her case. As usual things can change quickly, but at least I now know a little more and can plan a little better.

Peak a boo

This is a new experience for me. I have never had to solely care for a newborn on my own. It sometimes has been scary because she is so new to the world, I honestly don’t know what to do most of the time… but through google, prayer, and help/advice from friends/family I am making it through. One month down and who knows how much more to go. The baby smiles a lot! And although I know she is smiling mostly from gas, relieving herself, or falling asleep, there are times when I know that she smiled at me… there is no doubt. I would only say this happened twice, but no one can’t tell me that she didn’t smile at me. LOL! She is also starting to hold on to me… which is so sweet. I am looking forward to watch her grow and seeing her reactions to the new world around her.

That’s all for now!

CC and me

Twins… Two Times the Fun!


Hello readers! Happy new year! It’s been a while since I stopped by to write a blog, but there hadn’t been much to write about over the last few months. Over the holidays, I got to spend a lot of time with my family and really regroup my thoughts and mind after a lot of painful personal things happened in my life. I can’t say that I am not still sad at times, but I am getting stronger each day :-). I enjoyed being able to spend time lazing in the house and not doing much, most of the time willing myself to leave the house and promising myself if someone asked me to go to dinner or lunch or just hang out in general… I will do my best to go. It has been a time! I know that is not what you came here to read, so… LOL!

twins 1
Watching TV… yeah.. that’s it. LOL!

Last weekend I had a beautiful experience fostering twin 4 month old boys. It was my first time fostering boys and especially my first time fostering twins. Let me write this up front, I have a new found admiration for parents of multiples and an little extra respect for single parents of multiples! Caring for two babies at one time is no joke and not an easy task to say the least!! So my hats of to anyone reading that has had to care for multiples… whew! This all began after at a foster training I took through the department on Thursday night. One of the other attendees was in my P.R.I.D.E. class (this is the class you take to begin the process of becoming a licensed foster parent) and we were catching up on life in general. I knew she and her husband had a infant/toddler in her home and asked if they still had that placement. She told me she did and showed me pictures and then said, “we also received a one month old baby girl last week!” Now, after she said that… I admit, I really wasn’t paying attention to a lot of what she said. I was thinking, “the department called me last week to place a teenager and told me they didn’t have any younger placements at the time.” Let me back up right here. Since my last placement left me in November, the department has called me about 4 times regarding placing a teenage youth (16+) in my home. In December I declined because I knew I was traveling and I didn’t want to be bound by the school calendar. I also declined because lets face it… I fostered a teenager and I did not like it. Not that I didn’t like her, I just didn’t like living with another “adult” who felt like they didn’t have to listen to me and dismiss me. It is just not my cup of tea, but I also know that more often than not… these are the placements that are in need most often. Back to my fellow foster parent. I jumped back into listening mode and she was telling me that the department probably placed the baby with her because  her job is so flexible (so is mine) and she is home more often then having to go into the office (ahem, so am I) so that is why they probably placed the infant with her. Well, I was happy for her… but it bothered me that I had only gotten calls for teenagers and not once have I been contacted for anyone under 10 years old. Another foster parent I know who prefers to foster preteen/teenage boys told me he was getting calls for 6/7 year old girls. The process of getting a call is so random and funny to me. They go down a list for the first person to say “yes.” So you get calls for any age group.

That night as I drove home, I thought about the infant placed in care and wondered about why I didn’t get that call. I called my mom (of course) and was telling her about it and she told me to call my social worker and ask. I told her I didn’t want to call, because I know if I called… I would definitely get a call for a placement. LOL! I had been in training all week for work, but the next day as the trainer was talking, I kept thinking about the infant placement. I just couldn’t get it out of my head. So I text my mom (of course) and ask AGAIN if I should reach out to my social worker… because it was bothering me so much. Anyway, I did. As the phone rang, I told myself that if my social worker didn’t answer, I wouldn’t leave a message (they rarely answer the phone), but I at least had to try. Well, don’t you know it my social worker answered the phone on the 3rd ring. I discussed how I felt with her and she told me that she didn’t even know an infant came into care last week. She reassured me that my name was on the list and my preferred age, 0-6. So we hung up, and about 45 minutes later… I got a call…

twins play 2My social worker called me chucking, “Hey Ms. C I have an infant placement… twin boys… 5… hold on… (papers shuffling in the background)” at this point I’m thinking she is going to say 5 years old… “okay, hello? 5 month old twin boys.” I started to panic. LOL! A lot of thoughts went through my head. TWINS! Holy Moly! How could I say yes to twins, but how can I say no when I just asked about caring for an infant??!  So I say yes, and immediately start freaking out…. immediately. I also reassure myself that they may find a family placement for them to go to and they may not even come to me. So, I settle back into class. The class ends at 3 pm and I still hadn’t heard from the CPS worker. So I figure nothing much is happening. The CPS worker calls me at about 3:25 pm as I am still trying to make it home. So, I detour and drive to the department to pick up the boys. OMG! In the waiting room I actually see two of the little one’s that I provided respite care for. I don’t know who they are with, so I am hesitant to say anything in case they are with their bio family. I sit and wait for the worker to come out with the babies. This process is always so strange to me, getting a placement is like signing for a package… it’s just strange. Well, they call me to the back and I meet the babies. Two pairs of little eyes looking up at me. My feelings got really overwhelmed very quickly.

twins and meI won’t bore you with everything, just the highlights. Getting them into/out of the car was crazy. The car seats they had did not have clip in bases, so each time I had to strap them in by using the seat belt. I tried to put them on a semi schedule so that I was feeding them about 20 minutes apart and they were waking up about 20 minutes apart. Sometimes that was a success! But true to baby form, sometimes it was not. LOL! Whenever they woke up or were hungry at the same time was always stressful. I learned how to prop them up and feed them, but burping them was very hard. The first day/night was a blur. On the second day I needed to change one and put the other in the rocker. I tried to give him a toy to entertain him while I changed his brother and noticed that he didn’t know how to hold the toy. That is when I looked at the paperwork and read that these boys were only 3 months old (they turned 4 months in my care)! LOL! I knew they looked small, but I just thought it was because they were twins. That was funny to me. Anyway, the juggle of trying to entertain, comfort, change, feed went on and on. Sometimes I didn’t know when one day ended and another began. It was just a constant cycle. I know she will kill me for writing this, but my dear mother came and slept over one night to help me care for the twins for the night feedings. Well, needless to say… she didn’t wake up and I ended up still doing the night feeding alone. LOL! This night was tricky too, because it was one of the nights they woke up at the same time to eat! Oh my! One of the boys cried to eat (even though I knew he shouldn’t be hungry) and barfed all over the bed after I fed him. So we all went down to sleep in the living room, LOL! The next morning my mom came downstairs and asked what she could do. I handed her a baby and said, “Feed him” and turned over on the couch at took a catnap! LOL! I was so tired, but I wouldn’t trade caring for them for the world.

twins hands
They held hands a lot!

My mom and I gave the boys nicknames because although we knew their birth names, the department couldn’t tell us which baby went with which name. I named one baby scar/talker LOL! He had a scratch on his face which gave him a mark like Scar in  The Lion King (this baby was so sweet and not evil at all… okay) and he talked/babbled all the time. He always had a story to tell! My mom named the other baby “The Protector” because he was always looking for his brother and would not go to sleep until his brother was asleep and taken care of. This baby always had his brow furrowed and always looked stressed out. He was a stomach sleeper! If I put him down on his back, he would immediately wake up. SO, I slept him laying on my stomach. Needless to say, he was very attached to me in a very short time. Actually, they both were which was so surprising.

I would like to take time here to thank some special people who came over to help me and/or hold a baby. My mother, of course, came over each day to hold a baby while I ran around trying to either cook, make a bottle or bathe a baby. My running buddy/friend Kimberly who came over several days while I had them in care and even went with me when I took the babies to the doctor. I couldn’t fathom carrying two babies anywhere (furthermore I wasn’t equipped to). My friend Renita stopped by to give me something and stayed to hold a baby :-). Another foster mom who has twin boys as well stopped by to bring me another bouncy seat and formula and stayed to hold a baby as well. Rasheda, who also has a heart for kids in care, came by and held a baby and even brought me a frozen pizza. I really appreciated the food because eating and cooking was a luxury that I didn’t get to do often. At one point I looked over and she was folding laundry. LOL! Thank you! My BFF Cindy who surprised me and brought my God kids and STARBUCKS! Kaje who graciously took the twins for an hour of drop-in care at her daycare when they unexpectedly stayed and I had a work meeting. Thank you all so much! I really appreciate you ALL!

Twins peek a booI knew these boys wouldn’t be with me long, their grandmother told the CPS worker that she was willing to take them. Court was on Tuesday and I expected them to go home that day, but true to DSS fashion I did not get a call after court until about 7:30 pm that night telling me that the boys will leave the next day. It is always sad for me when placements leave. I have written about it here so I won’t go through it again. I did cry and graciously the CPS worker expressed her gratitude for me and my love for the boys. When she disclosed what happened in court, we both shed a tear. I told her that if the boys needed me in the future, I am here for them. If you are a praying person, please pray for these boys and their parents. Especially their parents. I am told they are very young and do NOT like each other at all. It is very tumultuous and verbally violent between them… so please pray for them to get along and also that no harm comes to the babies. That is all I can say.

So, I am proud that I said yes to this difficult assignment. I can also say that boy babies melt my heart a little differently then girls. LOL! This was placement 6 & 7. Although I don’t see them as numbers, it is amazing to me that I have not been licensed for 2 years yet and I have had 7 placements in my home. My social worker text me this morning and said I am back on the list as having a vacancy. So let the waiting begin!


A Happy Holiday

Clarise SmileHappy holidays everyone! Wow, I haven’t written in over a month. I haven’t had much to write about in terms of foster care, because I haven’t had any children in my home since the baby left last month. I did help another foster mom out and hosted her little one for the weekend. I’ve had her with me before… so it was great reconnecting with her, but that’s about all in terms of care.

I have gotten about four calls for placements. Each call came at an inopportune time for me. I received one message to place a 15 year old, but by the time I called back no one answered so I assumed they found a place for her. They called the next day for the same child and were asking if foster parents could host the teenager for a few weeks at a time in their home until they could find a treatment facility for her to be placed permanently. My ears rang, because I was still not ready to host a placement (this was one week after the baby left) and I didn’t like the idea of handling a teenager that needed treatment as a single person. I declined. I received a call for a 16 year old, but I was at a funeral and by the time I got home it was almost after 7 pm. I didn’t even call the department back, I do feel bad about that. Yesterday I received another call and when I answered the call chuckling the worker asked me why I was laughing. I told her that I already knew what she was going to ask, but I had plans for the night that I couldn’t change. I also told her that I know when they call near or after 5 pm that they’re calling for a teenage placement. She chuckled and said, “Well, I will not disappoint you!” and we both laughed. At this point in the remaining year, I am not particularly interested in having a child in my home. It may sound selfish, but I don’t want to be bound by a school age child and the school calendar :-). So, no placements for me at the moment… but I am enjoying my free time! I got to catch a football game between my alma mater and Navy. I was so excited to attend… even though it was cold and rainy!

During this time, I have been struggling with the departure of my previous placement. I find myself thinking of her often and sometimes just looking at pictures on my phone. Folks stop me and ask about her all the time, she was such a light… a very good baby that I miss terribly. It’s getting better for me, but it’s still a struggle. People often state that is why they couldn’t do foster care, and I understand that. It is really hard. The department will tell you not to get attached to the child, but then out of the same breath tell you to treat the child like your own. I pour my heart into each child that I care, so no matter what I am always sad when they leave. People also always ask me about the teenager. To my knowledge she is doing well in school. I tried to reach out to her a couple times, but she wasn’t interested. I didn’t really get too attached to her because she didn’t really let me in, so that was a little easier to transition for me. I always knew that she viewed me as just a place to lay her head…. bide her time for a few months… so I really didn’t expect much in the form of communication. I wish her well. I have had five placements in the year and a half I have been a foster parent. That does not include the respite placements that I have hosted as well. I am not sure if I enjoy the constant turn over because I am able to get back to “my life,” or if it is causing a wear and tear on my heart. I haven’t figured that out yet… I keep that in prayer.

Christmas Tree
2019 Christmas Tree

I did put up my Christmas tree this year. I wasn’t planning on it, but two of my friends told me I should still celebrate and make my home festive. I felt like it didn’t matter since I didn’t have children in the home, but I decided to go ahead and put it up. I did have the promise that a friend would come over and help… complete with hot cocoa, cookies, and Christmas movies! Although that didn’t happen, it was just the incentive I needed to get off my seat and decorate! I even wrapped all the presents too!

So, that’s what’s been happening in my neck of the woods. As always, thank you for your support of me through this journey of foster care. So many of you have expressed how much you love reading the blog and how proud you are of me when you see me! I am grateful for each and everyone of you… you really encourage me and keep pushing me forward and you don’t even know it! Thank you again and I hope you have a  very merry Christmas and a happy New Year!


This Heart Break is Real

Always so alert

I decided to write this blog while my feelings were fresh. I don’t have an outline or even a pattern for what I want to say. As many of you know, I was fostering a 5 month old little one since the beginning of October. This was the second time I fostered a baby and although she was the BEST (oh my goodness the BEST) her little personality was very different from my first. You know how parents have a child and that first child rarely cries, sleeps through the night, adjust to a schedule and has an overall cheery disposition and they make you think that parenting a baby is easy and you could actually do it again?? Well, this one was NOTHING like my first baby, but I loved her just the same. She wouldn’t take to a schedule, she did things how she wanted to… always wanted to be held (which I did of course), you couldn’t sit down and hold her… no… you had to stand up! BUT not JUST stand up, you had to stand up and walk because that is what she wanted. LOL! She disliked all the little toys I had for her to sit in to entertain her, but funny enough when she would go to drop in daycare she would sit and enjoy these same toys (go figure). She punked me often, but I loved her so much.

Playing 1
Sitting with a toy… but looking at me! LOL!
Nite Nite
Trying to put her to sleep

She was such a beautiful baby! I have never been stopped so much while in the grocery store, etc. for someone to tell me how pretty she was. Her smile was so big and bright, she was such a joy to take care of. Now I can’t lie, I was totally overwhelmed at times because I was tired from waking up 1-2 times a night and then having a baby that wanted me to hold her often during the day. I could only get things done while she napped and I prayed for nap time to last 2-2.5 hours at a time. Those catnaps threw me for a loop. Okay, so side note… I love to drink Starbucks tea (please don’t tell me about the cost okay… it’s my thing and I rarely spend money on other things… lol!), I savor my tea time. I use it to relax and reflect. One time, I put her down for a nap and settled in to drink my tea. Of course I had to clean bottles and do a little housekeeping, but after that I was TEA READY! Well, no sooner did I make my tea and sit down to start drinking… I look over and little miss is staring straight at me! Catnap!! LOL! I was so disappointed, but in true diva fashion I had to go over an pick her up… because once I made eye contact with her, she started making noise like, “lady don’t you see I am awake… umm… come get me!” LOL! Just her little personality. It was so amazing and I wish I could see how she turns out as a child, pre-teen, teen, young adult and woman. She is the BEST!

She loved slapping touching my face

I knew from the start of fostering this little one that she would not be with me long, when they called me to place her they told me the next day after court that the judge wanted to explore placing her with her grandparents. So I didn’t think she would even last a month with me. I didn’t enroll her in daycare (learned that lesson the first time… plus I didn’t have her medical records anyway) and in the first week, I didn’t fully unpack her clothes. After a while I did relax, but her next court date was November 1st and I figured she would leave me then. The week before her court date, I asked her social worker the possibility of her going home after court. Her social worker said it was likely and that I should bring all of her things with me to court. The court date came and I mentally prepared myself for baby girls departure. I knew I would cry, but I also had a full weekend ahead that would serve as a great distraction and pick me up. So I had things in place to help me get through :-). Well… court was a disaster.  The lawyer told me court was at 11:30 am, so I get there 15 minutes early and the lawyer says, “boy are you really early!” Apparently court was at 1:30 pm! Who wants to sit around a courthouse for 3 hours (plus most likely the court schedule would run late) with a baby… not me! So, the lawyer for the baby’s mother asked if I could wait for a few minutes to let the baby visit with her mother and grandmother for 10 minutes and then I could leave. I can WHAT? Yup… I can leave… with the baby. But I thought she was leaving me today??!! Apparently not, and everyone knew that accept for me, mom, and grandma. So, heading back to the car I am still thinking that someone would come pick up baby girl later that night after court. Five o’clock comes and goes and I hear nothing from her social worker or lawyer. At 6:45 her lawyer calls to tell me that the judge said that the baby MAY go home if mom moves out of the house and they need time to make that happen.  So, I was in limbo… it’s so hard to gear yourself up for them to leave, but limbo is even harder. I didn’t want this little one the leave, but I wanted to know when just to prepare myself… but that didn’t happen. I was afraid that they would call me a few hours before they were coming to pick baby girl up… to me… that is the worst. In the end, I got to spend the entire weekend with baby girl and her social worker came to pick her up on Tuesday afternoon. I warned the social worker that I would cry and don’t be alarmed. The way the baby looked up at me when I put her in the car… I tried to hold it together. One tear did manage to escape. I told baby how much I love her and to be good. When I closed the door to my home, I lost it. I totally lost it! I told my mother that I didn’t know how much more I could take…. and really at this moment, I still feel this way. The emotional attachment to these children is real. I was just talking to my cousin yesterday and she told me something another foster parent said, “It gets easier… but it never gets easy.” I totally understand that. I think you start to understand more and more what your role in the process is and you understand that the goal (although it may change) is not for the kids to stay with you. It doesn’t mean that the attachment is not there and that you can dis-attach easily, but I think your understanding gets clearer (if that make sense). A good friend of mine came over with cookies and ice cream (real medicine for the soul right) and we watched a (very) stupid movie and laughed our heads off. So grateful for her!!

Playing 2
Sitting up!

I know that God will help me to do this again, but right now my heart aches. I sit around and watch videos of baby girl and look through pictures… just to remember and feel her. I loved her so much. She blossomed in the month and 4 days she spent with me! She went from screaming in the bathtub to playing and splashing. She went from crying when I pulled her shirt over her head to cooing and smiling because she knew I was going to sing the “hokey pokey”  to her. She would hold my hands to her chest while I would change her diaper or when I would pat her back to sleep at night. She would hold my face when I would kiss her cheeks, she was so sweet! She turned six months old while with me and started to eat solids, started sitting up and becoming more active and alert. It was wonderful to experience and I am grateful. It’s just hard because I know I will probably never see this little one again…. and that hurts like HECK!

So, will I do it again? Of course! I think I will take a small break though. I have had 5 children in my home over the past year and a few months. That is a lot and I have cried when each left me! Except the teenager… not because I didn’t miss her, but the connection wasn’t the same because she didn’t want to form a relationship with me. So, there it is…. my raw feelings on my last placement. I am still very sad… very. My current distraction is being with my family right now and enjoying seeing them and spending time with them.

I am grateful for each experience because it shows me how much God gives me strength and comfort and how much He allows me to extend His love to these children as well.

This was a long one! Thanks for reading :-)!

Unbreak my Heart… ?

Vacation mode

It’s been a long time since I have made a blog entry. As you’ve probably guessed, I have been enjoying my break, taking trips, and enjoying having my home to myself. My foster youth left on August 23rd, and I did not get a call for a placement until October 1st. It took me a long time to say yes to this placement… I will explain that later in the post.


I was asked to do a foster care panel in August and one of the other panel members asked me to provide respite care for her nine year old placement. I agreed to do it… although I was in the beginning stages of enjoying my break (lol) and the thought of having to deviate from it was a little off putting… I told myself, you can do anything for a week… so go for it! The foster mom was so grateful to get time to go on vacation, she explained that she has not been away from her placement for an entire year. She is a single mom also and I found out we are exactly the same age! So I totally understood her as she just longed to have a break of her own. I met up them one Friday evening to meet the young one. She was so terrified that her foster mother was leaving her and putting her in a new home, that her mother told her that I was just a friend of hers and she will be staying with me for the week. Oh the list of rules that came with that little one… I can admit it caused me some anxiety, but I told myself that I will parent her the best way I could and if I didn’t hit all the marks… she’s only with me for a week.

K. back
First night 

This little girl was such a joy to have in my home. Now, I know that kids act differently towards “strangers” caring for them verses their parents, but she really did a good job during the week. She talks a mile a minute and is a very active girl, but  I would rather have it that way anyway. On the Monday she was with me I got a call from social services asking if I would take in an 18 year old for one night. I agreed because…. what’s one night?! The youth had to move from where she was staying because even though she is a mother, she had placed her baby in the care of the baby’s father and family and the facility only housed woman and their children. Long story short, she ended up not coming to stay with me because she refused to leave the facility (the police were called to remove her) and she refused to go with the social services worker. Since she is 18 and technically an adult, the social worker could not make her come into foster care. So, I don’t know what happened to her… but I was kind of relieved that she didn’t enter my home. I just didn’t know what agitated state she might be in and how it would affect the nine year old. Also, the nine year old found out  I was a foster parent because I answered the phone while driving (hands free of course) and she heard “social services” talking to me. When she asked me later that night if I was a foster parent, I told her yes but assured her that her foster mom was coming back. She didn’t freak out… I think she understood.

K and baby
The “Cousins” LOL!

So, Tuesday (the next day)… I get a call for a 5 month old girl. It took me about 10 minutes to accept the placement because I was still enjoying my break! LOL! I was thinking of all of the things that I had planned to do the next week when the nine year old went back home. LOL! I wasn’t ready to relinquish my plans. Let me say this, I DO enjoying being a foster parent very much. When I am in it… I am in it… I adapt and adjust my plans and schedule. I know it sounds like I don’t like it when I’m writing, but it’s only because I am always thinking of what I will be giving up when a child comes into my home. I know parents reading this understand how parenthood really throws a wonderful hook into your life/plans… and you have to adjust. Sometimes the thought of giving up “my life” gives me pause, but I always relinquish (unless I am catching a plane that evening or something…lol!) because I know that each child comes to me for a reason.  Okay, so back to the 5 month old. So I am on the phone with the social worker and at one point she says, “You don’t have to say yes. If you can’t do it… it’s okay, we won’t force you.” That is the amount of questions I was asking her. BUT true to me, I said yes… and I am so glad I did. Although it is very hard work, this baby is a joy! She is a happy, smiley, beautiful baby girl. Her situation is exactly like my first placement. Same age, same circumstances… so it is hard not to think of her leaving me quickly just as the first one did. I know what my role is as a foster parent, but  I am human… so when they leave (especially the babies because they are REALLY my preferred age group) I do get sad. It’s hard not to attach to anyone. The baby is starting to attach to me and I am starting to attach to her. I am guessing that she will be with me for a month (or possibly less), so I am trying to keep that in mind while still providing her with all of the love that I can. It was a busy week with two kids, but the nine year old was so happy to have the baby in the house (she nicknamed her “my cousin”) and I was happy to have the nine year old because she helped me entertain the baby!

Tummy time
Tummy time! 

So that is what I have been up to over the last month, my break is over and I am in full mommy mode. I told God that I wanted a break for a while… except if they called me for an “itty bitty.” Well, they called me for an “itty bitty” and I am so glad they did :-).

Empty Nester?

Last weekend marked a milestone for my last placement. She went off to college!! It was an exciting time for her, I could tell by the way her face lit up and how fast she spoke as we drove up to her school. Both her social worker and I were very happy to share this milestone with her. BUT in true fashion, my “home” girl showed OUT her final moments in my home. It is comical now, but it wasn’t at the time… thank goodness I was not in her cross hairs this time!

So let me explain how this happened. When the young one returned from her orientation last month, her social worker told me that the department would provide luggage for her to move to college with. As time went on, I asked her (young one) where the luggage was and how she was progressing with getting ready a.k.a packing to go away to school. She stated everything was fine and the luggage was on its way. About a week before she was scheduled to leave, I asked her again where the luggage was and when it was supposed to arrive…. if she is supposed to go pick it up or if her social worker would send it to her. She had zero answers, but kept telling me that she was not worried. On the Wednesday before she was scheduled to leave, my mom and I took her out to dinner to send her off and we asked her again about the luggage. Her exact words were, “Ms. _______ (social worker) said she will bring it with her when she picks me up on Friday.” Okay…. that doesn’t sound right, but…. what do I know? Apparently…. a lot…

So the big day finally arrives. I have my 9 year old goddaughter with me, Jayla, just to travel up the mountain and spend some time together. Jayla and I were waiting for the social worker to arrive so we could get the show on the road. All of a sudden, the young one storms up the stairs and announces in a very frustrated shrill that she just spoke to her social worker and there will not be bags for her to move with. I was confused… why would the social worker wait until move out day to tell the young one there was no luggage? Ahh- hahhh… (all my Coming to America fans) she DIDN’T! LOL!

When the social worker arrived,  immediately the young one WENT IN on her. I mean she started yelling and screaming and having a major meltdown about the luggage. Jayla and I were upstairs, so I don’t know exactly what was said… but it was a lot of drama on the young one’s part. I commend the social worker because she kept it cool, calm and collected. It was a marvel to watch. LOL! I came down the stairs (Jayla followed) to greet the social worker and young one was still arguing with her. The social work then says that she sent her an email the week prior letting her know that she should start making arrangements because the department didn’t have funds to purchase the luggage, BUT the young one replies that she didn’t read her email. Hilarious! The social worker did bring a trunk with her and told the young one that she did have something that she could could put some of her things in (remember that). So, the young one stormed up the stairs to START packing. The social worker turned to me and let me know everything that happened. I told her that this is what myself and the prior foster home tried to tell her about the attitude exhibited (because the social worker would always tell us that she has never seen that behavior… (well you saw it today… didn’t you!). The young one is going up and down the stairs slamming her belongings on the ground,  forcefully opening and banging my screen door, and slamming the van door while she packed her things in the car. The social worker told the young one that there is a trunk for her to put some of her things in and the young one replies, “I don’t want that.” The social worker tells her that there are good things in the trunk that she could use at school (feminine products, towels, soap, etc.) and that when she comes back during breaks she could get the supplies replenished. The young one then says, “I won’t use any of that, just throw it away!!” The social worker lets her know that she’ll never know if she would need this stuff so she should keep it just in case. Young one says, “I’ll just throw it away later!”  Then I heard, “I don’t have to take this… I drove all the way here in the rain to drive 3 hours to take you to school. Keep acting this way and you will have to find your own way up there.” Girlfriend rolled her eyes and looked at me. I looked at her like, I’m not taking you if your social worker does not go! LOL! So she calmed down a little bit. Thank goodness Jayla and I were riding up on our own in my car, so we enjoyed a peaceful ride.

I’ll fast forward through the monotony  of our evening. But it involved Jayla swimming, dinner at Burger King with the social worker, and watching TV before bed. The social worker and I had a long conversation and she let me know that  young one did not speak to her for 2 hours in the car (the ride is only 2.5) and she only came around after food and a talk about behavior.


The next morning, it was like the clouds parted from the rain (did I mention it was pouring rain when the young one was packing up the car… like buckets of rain) and attitudes were MUCH better. We ended up having an enjoyable move in experience. The young one laughed and smiled… interacted with her suite mates (I was so proud) and even exchanged numbers with other incomers to link up with. This is the same young one that told me that she didn’t want to really make any friends. I was so proud of her. We took her to Walmart, bought some more  crap  stuff for her room, went back to the university and headed to the bookstore for small mementos and then dropped her back off at her dorms. While in the bookstore she mentioned that she was touched we would buy items to support her college. I told her I bought the magnet for my fridge so that every time I got something to eat, I would remember her. I never saw how her final room decorations turned out because I wanted to get down from that mountain in a hurry. I texted her at the end of the first week to see how it went. She said she had a lot of homework, but she was going to the football game over the weekend since there were no classes for the holiday. That made me happy. So, my adventure with a 19 year old has come to a close. I am so happy that I was able to see this placement through until the end.

Am I an empty nester? LOL! Not sure. Does it sound like I am celebrating? I know that I voluntarily signed up to be a foster parent. I have enjoyed each child that has been in my home and even though I am sad when they leave, a small part of me is happy to get back to doing my own life. Is that bad? I have no clue, but I am enjoying my “me” time. Even though I didn’t have to “parent” this placement, it was still a lot emotionally (drama) for me. Although in the beginning my preferred age group to foster was 0-5… I am now not totally opposed to older children (gasp) :-). So back to life as I know it… for now!

Rooftop dinners and things…



T Minus Two Weeks and Counting

Hi Everyone! It’s been a few weeks since I have updating my blog. Not much has been going on here since baby girl left about three weeks ago. It’s been a very (not so much) calm house. As most of you probably know, living with a teenager is very up and down. Some days (not often) they are happy, other days (more often) you have no clue what you did to deserve the attitude they are serving. Well, that has been my life for the past three weeks. I’ll get into that later.

You may have noticed that there aren’t any pictures on this blog entry. This is because I follow another foster mama on IG, and although we live in separate states her foster license was stripped because of social media posts. She also covered the babies/children’s faces and gave vague descriptions, but that was enough to scare me into no longer sharing photos. All rules are different, so although I was covering the children’s faces I will no longer even share those. (maybe a leg here… an arm there… LOL!)

Okay, so back to my current placement. For the past few weeks, it seemed like the teenager didn’t want to speak to me. For the most part, I really didn’t care… I am the type of person that figures that if you want to be moody… be my guest, but just don’t disrespect or bring your mood to me. Everything came to a head last week because I was so tired of her disrespecting me in the home. She would avoid me like the plague and when she did have to speak to me, she would yell from a different room. Also, if I asked her to do something, she would get so defensive that I just stopped asking her to do things just to avoid the drama. So, when the straw broke the camels back I confronted her about it. I say confronted because I was so filled with anger over the constant disrespect that I came at her all kinds of wrong. The conversation did not go well and at the end of it, I was really ready to kick her out…. three weeks left or not! I DID NOT CARE! After the anger subsided for me, I did have a conversation with her. I first started by apologizing for the way I came at her, I should not have come at her angry, but I told her that everything I said was true. I told her she had three choices for the remainder of her stay with me. If she could not respect me in my home, she could 1) find a place to stay, 2) or we could call her social worker and find some place for her to go, or 3) she can respect me and could continue living in my home for the remainder of the summer. I told her that I would like for her to stay and didn’t want to live in contention with her. My home is peaceful, and I do not like to live on edge all the time. I asked her what makes her think that I do not want her in my home (during the argument she said that I was happy to have her when she first arrived, but now she doesn’t know why I not happy with her there anymore). I told her that I do want her to remain in my home, but I do not like the disrespect she is showing. She told me that she doesn’t understand what people mean by saying she is disrespectful as her previous foster home said the same thing. She said, “I am not cursing at anyone or yelling and screaming or arguing, so I don’t understand what the problem is.” I explained to her that the disrespect she is showing is not blatant disrespect, but the undercurrent of disrespect. When an adult is speaking to you and you say, “What else do you have to say?”, “I don’t have time to go back and forth with you”  or “I’m an adult too so…” those are very disrespectful things to say to someone who is allowing you to stay in their home. She seemed to take all that in with grace. I told her that I am cheering for her and I want her to succeed! She apologized for being disrespectful and how she made me feel in the home. At the end of the conversation, I hugged her. We have never done that before, but I just felt like I should.

This week has been better! She went to her college orientation and came back pretty excited. We have exactly two weeks left to live together. Surprisingly, she told her social worker that she would like to come and stay with me during her breaks from school. I say surprisingly because she originally told me and my mom that she wanted to stay at school during all the breaks (secretly my mom and I laughed with each other because we knew that probably wasn’t realistic), so I was taken aback by this new revelation. She also invited me to come with her when she moves on campus, although it was to have more hands to help her lift her things. LOL! The jury is still out on my decision though *shrugs*.

So please send silent prayers, good vibes, and happy thoughts to us during these final two weeks. I would like them to be as peaceful as possible.

Thanks for reading!


Sigh… Goodbye… Again

Playing with treesFoster care can be beautiful. You receive a child in your home, you love them, you care for them, you bond with them, and then boom! You get a call that the child has to move. It really sucks and it is so hard. But not only is it hard for you, it is hard on the child too. They form the same bonds, love and care that you do. I understand what my role is in this system, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I got word yesterday that my two year old has to go back into foster care in her home state. It is an overwhelming feeling because there is nothing I can do to stop it or help her. If her plan was a little more permanent, like she was being reunited with a healthy birth family or adopted into a family, I would feel a little more at ease. This little one is going into another unknown, to another home to get to know a new family. She is a great little girl, smart, playful, and loving so I know that she will be fine. She maybe a little confused at first, but I know she will settle in well. For me, it is hard because she is going to another state and I will not know who she is with, if she is okay, or if I will ever see her again. I have to just trust and believe that the Lord will take care of her wherever she goes.

When speaking to her social workers supervisor yesterday, he was surprisingly empathetic to the entire situation. He was very comforting to speak to and thanked me for the care that I provide for the children in my care. It felt good to hear it from a worker because most of the time they are so “matter of fact” when relaying information to us regarding care that it often feels as though they forget that we are people with feelings. These kids are not a job to us… a name on a paper… a visit once a month, but a member of our family, so it’s hard to just get the call to let go. But I get it, judges and lawyers make decisions and we (including the social workers) have to abide by them. Social workers are really just doing their job.

One thing surprised me though. When the worker asked if I would consider being an adoptive resource for this little one, I answered “yes.” I shocked myself with the answer. LOL! I don’t know if he asked me for a reason or if it was just so that if anything happens in the future and an adoptive resource is needed, I will be on the list. He said he would pass my name as a resource to her new county in case they are willing to do a ICPC (I don’t know what that means). Who knows if anything will come of it. I told my worker today that I don’t get my hopes built in anything in this system. Things change so quickly. So right now I am in the flurry of packing up her stuff and getting ready to say goodbye.

It’s been exactly one month that she has been with me. Two year old’s are HARD!! LOL! She taught me a lot about myself and I will always be grateful to have known her. So, for now I will get back to living my single life (yes… the teenager is still with me). I will miss her a lot, but that’s how I get through the pain… I think of what I gain. I just pray that she remains safe.

Me and Bug

A Tale of two….ages!

I am stuck in between a “two-nager” and a nineteen year old. Lord help me! LOL!

Swing time fun!

A few days ago, I welcomed a two year old into my home. She is the cutest and the sweetest little girl. She loves to hug and tell me she loves me… it’s so cute! Although she is cute it hasn’t been all hugs love, she is two… and quite demanding! For the most part, she is a very easy toddler (from what  I can see right now)  and she is very happy. She goes to sleep singing and wakes up with a smile. Now, let’s talk about her wake up time really quickly. LOL! This little one woke up the first two mornings at 5:30 am! Today she woke up at 5:58 am… man, I don’t understand why she won’t sleep later. I put her to bed around 8:30 each night and her previous foster mother said she slept each morning until about 6:30. I hoping that once she gets used to my home, she will sleep a little later. I finally got her enrolled in daycare! She is such a social butterfly, I knew immediately that she needed to be with other kids. Enrolling foster children into daycare is such a huge ordeal! If you can find a place with availability that is the first win! If they take the voucher, that is the second win! AND if they don’t cost an arm and a leg… that is a third win! I know childcare is expensive,  but the department pays so little and A LOT of providers don’t take the voucher because they have to wait so long to get paid. I had one provider literally run me off the phone, I was really embarrassed. I don’t know why, she just made me feel so unworthy of her services. I got over that because I wouldn’t want this little one to go to someone with that attitude anyway, I’m glad I got to see what the providers character was BEFORE I enrolled the child and then it was discovered she was a foster child. I wouldn’t want her to be treated poorly. So I mentioned her previous foster mother. This little one had to move homes because her foster mom moved out of my county and couldn’t take her. Both are/were very sad, my little one still asks for her.

Driving the firetruck

So it’s back to the grind of “parenting.” Unlike the six year old and the teenager, the two year old is more like the baby I fostered last summer… but a little more work since she is mobile. LOL! Coming home from the gym, I used to set the six year old up in front of the television with her dinner while I went and got cleaned up… with the baby I was able to sit her in a swing in my room and take care of things. But this new little mamma is a busy bee! I have to wait until she goes to bed before I can clean myself up and eat dinner. I have to get back into meal prep for myself so that I can eat while she is eating as well. LOL! So needless to say it’s been an adjustment. I always struggle when a new placement arrives. I mean I love having the kids here with me, but the reality of the work it involves and the freedoms I have to give up… it makes me sad. LOL! I know parents reading this are like… “What’s new?” LOL! BUT I really struggle with it! I actually came to tears on Monday night going to bed missing my early morning workouts and running with my group, but as I laid there praying about it as I fell asleep… I woke up to a text from my running buddy’s teenager explaining that they would watch my little one while I go running in hopes to earn a little cash. Win/win! I can help a young one earn some money the hard and honest way and get to go running with my friends. It really was an answer to prayer.

woman leaning on piano while raising right hand forward
This is not the teenager… but a good representation of the “attitude.” LOL!

The nineteen year old has still been great! Even though she can be snarky and rude sometimes, she really isn’t a bad young lady. Teenagers are not my gift area at all! It’s so funny that all of my friends marvel at my patience with these kids, the young ones don’t bother me because I know they are young and are still learning social and emotional skills. I can deal with that. Older kids, they just get under my skin (I’m just being honest). I just can’t take someone that is depending on me for food, shelter, and clothing that I don’t ask to do ANYTHING around the house except clean up after themselves… can still give me a stank attitude. I don’t know if she is upset or jealous that the two year old is here, but she has not been very social or interactive. One of my friends was able to get her to participate in a game night I hosted over the weekend… and she played and had a great time! But once the two year old arrived she has been a little “ugh.” Like, I just don’t get it. I had to set her straight a few days ago. She tried to walk out of the house and not speak to me and when I said good morning and asked her if she was okay, she blew me off and kept walking. UM NOT COOL! I let her know that was not acceptable behavior and even if she didn’t feel well she still should be cordial to the other members of the home. I do understand that she may not have gotten the advantage of a stable upbringing… that’s why I am not too demanding on her. Also, she will only be with me until she goes off to college (a few more weeks). Yes, she is a very focused young lady who works, goes to community college and just got accepted into a four year college for the fall! So I do praise her and give her props for all that she has accomplished. AND I am always sure to tell her. It’s just hard for me to deal with the attitude. ME… the one my family called “tude” for most of my teenage years! LOL! I have to try more with the teenager. My friend encouraged me to do something nice for her. My feelings said, “what… nice like clean up after her, making sure she has enough food to eat (even though I asked for a list of groceries she needed and she just didn’t write it) or trying to engage with her?! But my heart said, “okay… I will try to do a little more.” #help

So life with a two and nineteen year old has been interesting! Opposite ages, but with the same general characteristics. Both can be sweet one minute and have an attitude the next, both are fiercely independent… but still need help and both think they are older than they are.

Before I finish… does anyone know how to braid hair? I mean, this little one has hair and that is not my strong spot at ALL! LOL! Just asking…

Big girls
She loves trying to play with the “big girls”

Thanks for reading! Until next time!